Back then...
Right across the waters, I spotted this house. It was nice. Lonely. Like me, it stood as if there weren't a care in the world. When I spotted it, I was drunk. To the brim, if it conveys my state better. I couldn't tell darkness from light. So, I am not sure if it were day or night. On its door-step, I collapsed. Maybe 10 minutes later, I could feel the grip of some hands tighten around my ankles and wrists. I say maybe because obviously I had no sense of time. It made me rather uncomfortable. I remember trying to wriggle. I also remember that I couldn't.
When I came to senses, it was dark. So dark, that I thought the earth's shadow had fallen upon itself. I saw beneath - there was nothing. Nothing above. Darkness all around. I had this feeling I was afloat. Obviously I hadn't come to my senses. I went to sleep again.
So, when I woke up - this time for real - I found myself on the bed. I was stripped naked - down to the bare minimum, that is. I wasn't feeling cold. I was feeling wet. I was sweating. In spite of this I felt my heart was beating fine. The pumping was top notch. I felt like I could spring out of the bed and work out. Right away. Just like that. Except, I couldn't. I couldn't move my limbs for nuts. I tried to lift my head, off the damned pillow, but I couldn't. All of a sudden it felt like a huge rock was gently placed on my head. I collapsed back to peace.
I dreamed. It was bad. A 100 men were after me. They all seemed to look the same. The face, I couldn't remember. It did not matter. They had weapons. All kinds of weapons. I could tell right now who had what. It mattered. I ran hard. I fell hard. I woke up with a start.
I wasn't sweating this time. I found that weird. I also found a cup of tea. I looked around. No one. I took a sip.
'Ah! Finally.'
I swerved. She was walking in with some breads.
'So, you are up! Nice long sleep, eh?'
I did not know what to reply. I did not know who she was.
'I think you should have a bath - heck brush your teeth and all that. You look stoned. There is a tooth-brush in the wash. I have used it only once. A month back. Too hard on my teeth. I have cleansed it - in spirit. Safe to use.'
I quite liked her. There aren't many girls I know who would share their toothbrushes. Anyway. I got up and walked for the first time in what seemed to be 6 days.
'So, your first step in 6 days, huh? How does it feel?'
I gave her a look which was pretty blank. I couldn't emote. She gave me a look which said, well, I don't know what it said. It is difficult to say what a woman's look says.
I completed the morning routine. Came out to buttered breads. I had quite a few. And then threw it all up! She said it was okay and that she would clean it up later. I went to the bed suddenly feeling weak. I couldn't sleep though. Just lay down. She asked if I needed a doctor and I nodded a 'no'.
'Your hand is wounded, what happened?' I pretended to be asleep. She left a note on the table beside the bed and left.
I will be back by evening. Please do not leave the house. We need to talk. Under any circumstances, please do not leave the house.
I stood up. Stretched my limbs. And went for the door. It was locked from outside. I walked around the house. I realized I had to wear something before I go out. I hunted down my dress. I found a back-door which was locked too. I opened the window and climbed out. Found a brick and placed it on the window sill, so it remains open. Fresh air hit me on my face. It felt nice. It was a small garden. Well tended to. I walked around the corner and my eyes popped out.
It was the single-most beautiful sights I had seen. The water was blue-green. The sands were white. There was a narrow tar road in between. The beach wasn't huge. Small little beach. But the expanse of the water overwhelmed me. The color of the water charmed me. Sun was shining down hard. The sands hadn't heated up yet. The water was cool. It was a peaceful easy feeling. Some time passed and I came back home for food. Did I say home? Well. I climbed back in. Found the bread - cold, but eatable. I slept.
'Who are you?' I asked. And realized that it was a weird question. Really. I was sure she did not know who I was. She had attended to me - for presumably 6 days. And here I was asking her who she was. I should be telling who I was. She smiled a smile which sort of said that it was a weird question. The smile is easier to read. Yet. I waited for an answer.
'Does it matter, really?'
'It does. To me.'
'Well. Hard luck, then.'
I smiled. She noticed. 'Who are you?', she asked.
'Would knowing that affect the hospitality you extend?'
'Would knowing this change your identity?'
She was smarter. And one thing I have learned is not to waggle much with smarter people.
'It would have. But now that you realize it, I think I could tell you who I really am.'
'I appreciate it.'
'Well. I am not a good person. Alcoholic. Drug addict. The wound is out of the medicine. My name is of no consequence, so I am going to hold that back. I have been on the roads for more than what 5 or 6 weeks now. I am not from around. I think the police were hunting for me. I wish to conceal names here - of people, places. Hope you understand that. I had burgled a house. For money - to buy stuff.'
She seemed surprised at all this. And though that is fair enough, it surprised me that the facts surprised her. I had sort of expected her to expect nothing more of me. No one had expected more.
'Hmm. I wasn't this bad always.'
'Y..', she began to say something and I cut her short.
'Which is to say, I had been worse. I had attempted rape twice on the same person. I couldn't. So, in the rage I did it to someone else. I also killed the person. And later killed a couple of others while I was at it. It gives one an unparalleled high. Once I came to senses, I realized I was screwed. In my mind. I was totally screwed up. I ran into the mountains. That is where I took to drugs. It sort..',
'You are kidding aren't you?', it seemed she took it from where I had earlier cut her short. 'You are making this whole thing up, only to make me shudder. To disturb me. Why? I cannot fathom. But I am convinced you are kidding me.'
Both of us remained silent. She wasn't convinced of anything. I wasn't convinced of anything either. We just remained. Silent.
****
'You should look out for some work, you know. Earn something, maybe.' She was taking the clothes out to put it to dry.
'I think I can learn to cook. Is there anyone nearby who would need a cook. And a maid maybe. I don't know anyone around... so I was hoping you would put me through to someone.'
****
I dreamed. It was bad. A 100 men were after me. They all seemed to look the same. The face, I couldn't remember. It did not matter. They had weapons. All kinds of weapons. I could tell right now who had what. It mattered. I ran hard. I fell hard. I woke up with a start.
****
House work pretty much interested me. I made friends with the children and the dogs of the house. The house was around 3-4 miles away. I did not mind the walk. It was along the beach. I loved the walk. It freed my minds of the thoughts. Which was very scarce in the first place. And those primarily revolved around guilt. Of having done what I had in the past. Of having taken a life. And in some weird sense I felt guilty that she did not believe me. Work was good. I tried to be sincere. The masters were nice. It was a nice little family. They made me wonder if I would ever have had a family. To no avail. Anyway.
****
'What happened?'
'Nothing.'
'You are sweating.'
'Hmm...'
'Is everything fine?'
I drank the cup of water and went back to sleep.
'What was with you last night? It seemed as if you had seen a ghost.'
'It was a nightmare; nothing more.'
'Oh. Ok. I spoke to Mrs. D'Souza. She seemed quite impressed by your work. The marks on your hands disturbed her a lot. Seems her brother was into drugs. She was concerned. I said you were out of it. Completely.'
I hated how she believed me. Maybe because I hadn't managed to regain that belief in myself. But, how could I? Anyone who knew me as I was, wouldn't. She did. Maybe because she doesn't know. Maybe she doesn't want to know.
'I haven't ever asked you. What work do you do?'
She looked surprised. And smiled. I did not know how to react to that. I smiled back - I think.
'I teach. There is this place 12 miles from here. I teach children.'
'A school?'
'Well, depends.'
'On?'
'How one defines school...'
'Does that place fit your definition of a school?'
'Yes.'
'Great.'
'Would you like to come?'
'Yes! Sure...' And then a moment later. 'Though I would rather that the wounds heal completely.'
She smiled that smile again. I smiled back.
****
I dreamed. It was bad. A 100 men were after me. They all seemed to look the same. The face, I couldn't remember. It did not matter. They had weapons. All kinds of weapons. I could tell right now who had what. It mattered. I ran hard. I fell hard. I woke up with a start.
****
I started going to the market with her. To get groceries. Or just maybe to walk around the place getting to know people. She knew a lot of them. I made friends with the florist. A nice young lady, of maybe 17. Very charming.
My wounds were fast healing. She used to apply milk cream over it. Every night. It wasn't long before I could go to school, I thought. Somehow, this was the first thing I could remember having waited eagerly for.
****
'Is it the nightmare again?' She almost startled me in the kitchen where I had come in for a glass of water.
'Yes.'
'Tell me what about. It helps.'
'I don't know. It is the same thing over and over again. A 100 men, all look the same, chasing me. With weapons. And I am running hard. So hard, I can't feel my legs. They just don't stop chasing. It makes me feel so weak. I don't know... I mean, this damned thing - ever since I have ...'
'Just stop running.' And she smiled. Patted my back. And went to sleep.
****
I had saved ever so little of my daily wages. I went to the market alone one day and got the cycle from the florist. I had paid half of what she asked for - the rest I promised I would pay in due time.
She was surprised to see the cycle standing at the door. She came in and stared at me. I said it was for her. She smiled. She went outside, came in again, stared at me.
'I don't know to ride one!' We both laughed. I said it was easy and that she would need some practice before she could cycle her way to the school. I taught her to ride a bicycle. She learned it in a day. Less than that.
****
We went to the school one afternoon. The D'Souza family were out for a wedding. They weren't to come back for a week. I had brought Rox, their dog, home. Anyway - the school was fun. There were about 17-20 children. And all of them, varying about 3 years in age were made to sit in one room. There was no blackboard or anything. No books. She told them stories. She asked them to tell stories. In about an hour, more such ladies came in. They soon formed small groups and started discussing. I chose not to sit with any of them. I wandered around. The place was kind of eerie. The families were mostly fishermen. Poor. Their houses were made of straw. Rebuilt every monsoon. I kind of got the idea about the school. I wondered who paid the teachers.
'The Portugese government does. They are a concerned lot. They pay well. Well, well enough for us to live a reasonable life. We teachers voluntarily spare some part of our wages to give to these families. It isn't substantial for us - but gives them a week's food, maybe. Good people all of them. That is how much fishing pays them - and they know nothing else.'
I spoke to them. I thought to myself that these guys needed some exposure. They were selling their stuff to the 3 merchants who bought from them ever since they could remember. It was almost a tradition. A family affair. I promised to myself that I would take some of them to the bazaar sometime.
****
I asked my master if I could be relieved of some work - I want to go to the fishing village. I would like to learn fishing, I said. I would get some fish for you every weekend. He agreed. Mr. D'Souza was a generous man. From behind the newspaper reading bespectacled and whiskered face, 'Oh! Sure!' he said.
I went to school from that very day. She was a only too happy with the arrangement. I hung around with her for some time - before I could learn the way the place worked. I did learn pretty quickly. The children loved me. I played a lot of games. They were good with football. We made a team too. It was a lot of fun. The petition for an additional room for the school went through. There was celebration all around. Mr. D'Souza was made Chief Guest for its inaugural ceremony. He was delighted. he arranged for the evening feast for the families. He even played some local songs on the guitar. There was general frolic.
'That was a lot of fun.' She said. She smiled and said thanks. I did not know how to react. Again. I tried to read sarcasm - there was none. I reflexively wanted to say welcome but refrained, and thanked her instead. She smiled once again.
'I want you to continue once I am gone. Will you do that?'
'Where would you be gone to? What do you mean?'
'Nothing.'
She was abstract. I did not ask any further. 'Should we adopt Joe?' She was startled. She smiled. She raised an eyebrow. I smiled.
****
All of 2.5 years, Joe was a bundle of laughter. The very home that our house embodied changed. Did I say 'our'? Oh! Well...
The D'Souzas would often drop by. I still worked there so I would take Joe along too. The fishermen improved. I wouldn't say time flew. Days were slow. Months were slower. Years were even so. And I savored every moment. I had learned the guitar - some basic work so I could keep the students entertained now and then. Also, started to teach a couple of them.[:)] It was fun - I used to learn from Mr. D'Souza and teach the same in the evening before I would forget! The children loved me. I loved them too.
Joe was 6 now. We were deciding on whether to start his schooling. She always opposed. She said, it wasn't necessary yet. Maybe a year or two more. And that was what she was saying for the past couple of years. She knew best - I thought.
****
'I had been to the bazaar' today. Mascarenhas' came with me. They got a great deal. The merchants don't know about this yet. But I told that once all the fishermen were convinced that they could get a better rate - they could bargain collectively with the merchants. Do you think they will listen to the Mascarenhas'; or should I go about talking to them?'
She smiled. I smiled back, but what the heck, I hadn't got the answer. 'So? What do you think?'
She gave a small laughter. I was sort of embarrassed.
'I think Joshua was interested in going too. Maybe I would take him along tomorrow. He is young, and people quite listen to him. Let us see.'
She gave a reassuring look. I smiled. We went to sleep.
****
'Maa?' said Joe looking at her. 'Can I go to school?' she looked at Joe, and then at me. 'Yes' she said.
I took Joe along the very next day. We had a lot of fun. The children took to him immediately. I assigned Mary to teach Joe - she was a very bright young girl.
'Joshua...' I called. 'Are you ready? Where's your stuff?'
'Coming!' the voice came. I waved Joe goodbye and went off to the bazaar with Joshua.
'How was schoold, Joe?' she asked as Mary came by to leave Joe home.
'Mary Dee is so nice, Maa. She told me stories. You had told them already. So I guess all the endings. Mary Dee was very happy.'
She smiled. I smiled.
****
I was resting with a cup of tea when the police came. They barged in and pushed her aside. Joe ran out. The D'Souzas had shown me in. Who wouldn't? The police were looking for a rapist. A murderer. I obliged. She collapsed down. Not a single tear. Joe ran out. I smiled at her. She did not know how to react. For once. I did not allow the tear to trickle down. That house had never seen a tear.
They led me out. I saw the beach once more. The vast openness. The air once again caressed my tresses. For a moment, I felt like the sea invited me to enter her and rest in peace. But that was only momentary. The sun was setting. The white sands shone a brilliant orange. I dragged my feet along. I saw Mary stand a distance away. I turned to see the D'Souzas crying. Rox stood wagging his tail as we passed the D'Souza residence.
Now...
So turning back to my cell-mate, I said, 'So, now you understand why I took a liking to you, Joe. I was sentenced to 14 years of rigorous imprisonment for first degree murder. And not until I saw you did I realize that I could lead a life here. It feels nice to share my story. About the extraordinary people who have been nicer to me than I deserved. It has made me feel better about myself. I will introduce you to Maria the next time she comes. She will like you. She likes everyone.
Good night, Joe.'
'Good Night!'
